A Clockwork Orange Sends Diego Back to Montevideo

By Saturday evening I decided that I was supporting whichever football team was winning.

This was after I rooted for Brazil on Friday, only to see them get wiped out by The Netherlands. Later that day, I screamed my head off for Ghana but then they were beaten by cheating Uruguay. The next day, I draped myself in an Argentinian flag and cheered for the South Americans LIVE at the Greenpoint stadium, only to see them be thumped by the Germans.

Clearly, I was backing the wrong horses here. So tonight, when the men in orange starting leading 2-1 against Uruguay, I decided I had better back them. It wasn't easy. I mean, I know Hermes' signature colour is the same revolting, tangerine hue as the Dutch team's outfits, but still… Someone needs to tell them that fair-skinned men look mildly jaundiced in orange…Plus, there are all of their fans who have to be seen in public in bright orange – a colour which should really be reserved for traffic cones and car guards on night shift. As if this isn't bad enough, Dutch fans are expected to mix their orange garb with the red, white and blue of the Dutch flag – not the best combo. One solution for fans is to simply wear the wackiest kit ever. Like this dude who was celebrating Friday afternoon's victory:

The crazy thing is that he's not even Dutch. Nope, he's about as South African as droe wors, but something inspired him to back the boys in orange and he was running around Caveau in Cape Town in his tangerine dungarees, looking might chuffed with his team's performance.

On the bright side, the Dutch team exacted revenge on Uruguay on behalf of Bafana Bafana, as well as on behalf of Ghana, so I am genuinely thrilled about that. And judging by some of the Facebook posts that I've just seen, we now have a nation in mourning. And I don't mean Uruguay – I mean a nation full of South African women who would rather not see Diego Forlan return to his homeland. One can see why. I mean, clearly, he's not just a pretty face – he can actually kick the ball into the little box quite regularly.

Sadly, though, his World Cup glory is over and he is to return to his hair-dressing business in Montevideo. At least the force behind Bafana Bafana's defeat did some good by providing SA women with some eye candy. Hell, old Diego is probably a rare exception and is possibly one of the few fair-skinned men on the planet who could look good in orange…