Baby Brainpower

I've been having sleepless nights wondering how we are going to get The Princess into Harvard one day. And then, just as I was beginning to despair, this e-mail popped up in my inbox:

Subject: Brain Development, MILESTONES and Learning

A national roadshow presented by Dr X to passionate moms, dads and caregivers to discover why:

– massaged babies sleep deeper and feed easier

– waking up the nose, tastebuds, ears and eyes makes baby clever

Book your three hour brain boosting session now!

Seriously? Waking up your kid's nose, ears and tastebuds creates a baby genius?

First of all, what exactly are you supposed to do to "wake up" their senses? Tickle their noses with feathers, feed them chocolate, then stick the feather in their ears and dangle black, red and white things in front of their eyes? On that note, my nurse told me the other day that I was seriously disadvantaging my baby by not thrusting black, red and white things in front of her because "she can't see any other colours". Which leads me to wonder what she does see when she lies on her pink and purple baby gym – an abyss of nothingness? Not to mention what she sees when she looks at her beige crib, her cream and pink bumper and her pastel coloured blanket?

Second of all, just for a laugh, I would love to hear Dr X's theory on tastebuds and brain boosting. How learning to distinguish salty from sweet can get baby into the A-class for Maths, is beyond me.

I've also been told that playing The Princess classical music will develop her Maths brain. I'm not sure if tuning in to Classic FM on the way to the clinic counts, but that's about the extent of my efforts to date. I'm banking on the "nature" as opposed to "nurture" theory for everything to do with The Princess' Maths brain – I'm praying she'll inherit The Husband's Maths brain since she looks like "a shrunken version of (him) stuffed into a jumpsuit". (That's a genuine Facebook post from a friend.) Let's just hope the similarities extend to Algebra and Trigonometry as well…But according to Dr X, that'll depend on how often I powder her nose. Seems a small price to pay to create a baby genius and I suppose that's exactly what Dr X is banking on – that and a bunch of new parents, desperate to produce the cleverest kid in the class. Desperate enough to resort to full body jojoba, honey and almond oil massages, ear tickling and tastebud tantalising.

I think The Princess and I will continue to spend our free time watching celebrity gossip on E and hoping that The Husband's mathematical talents get passed down to her. Along with her mother's … er… sense of humour and appreciation for good food. I knew tastebud tantalisation would come in somewhere…